Soften My Heart, Break Me Apart

What do I do with myself when I'm home for the weekend? I haven't been sitting in my dorm room on a Saturday night in 3 weeks! And, of course, the one Saturday this month when I'm NOT on tour with HeartSong, I'm writing about being on tour with HeartSong! I just can't get away, it seems.

Where to start? The first weekend in February, we travelled to Greenwood, IN to play at Southside Bible Church. It was a relatively easy-going weekend; we all stayed at the same amazing host home and got to hang out with the youth group and play dodgeball. It's amazing to me to see the way that God has shaped my team's tours this year to correspond to our personalities. After taking the DiSC Survey as a team, we found out we have no high D personalities; that is, no one makes it their highest priority to get the job done and done fast. So far, all of our tours have been very chill, with no bad time crunches or crises. Now, watch, God will probably throw us a curve-ball next weekend! But until then, I am thankful and blessed to have a God who knows us better than we know ourselves, and who knows what we need.

Then, came the chaos: Recording Week!! Our live recording event was last Friday, and all week long was packed with extra rehearsals, set-up time, and prayer. I was so busy stressing out about the performance and trying to get homework and practicing done on top of all that, that I didn't realize that I actually had a lighter week of homework than usual and had aced a Biology test I had barely studied for. God was continuing to bless me without me even acknowledging it! Thursday night during our final run-through I was so tired and frustrated to notice anything God was doing through our music. I prayed that God would soften my heart toward His work, and to help me worship Him. As I was sitting in the pew watching HeartSong play "The Anthem," I looked over and saw 6 amazing people: Chloe, Tim, Zac, Jon, Jay, and Chris. Of these 6 people, all but Jay are no longer on HeartSong. And all 6 of these people were on the HeartSong team that came to Camp Carl back in 2010; this was the team that inspired me to try out for HeartSong. Watching them smile, and get teary-eyed, and worship, was touching. Most of these people were probably wishing to be back on HeartSong, and here I was taking it for granted! God reminded me why I had joined HeartSong; true, I never planned on giving up every free minute of my time for a live recording, but my desire was to give up every minute of my summer to the ministry; to playing music, reaching out to kids, and giving glory to God through it. I remembered why I was here!

I went over to Chloe, who has become a good friend of mine, to give her a hug and to talk. I knew that all these HeartSong alums were back in town to travel for the weekend; since we were all recording, none of us could make it to Scioto Hills for the whole retreat, so some of them were going in our place. There was a small group travelling down late Friday night after the recording to fill out the rest of the band. As I talked with Chloe, I found out that their team was missing a keyboard player! Jon was planning on playing, but Chloe told me he'd much rather just sing. So what do I do? I turn into a crazy person and ask Jim if I could tag along with the others heading down after the recording. And he said yes! So I found out Thursday night that I would be travelling the next day with the team that I had always dreamed of travelling with. WHAAAAT?? I had no idea why I decided to volunteer for that, especially since all week I had been looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. But looking back, I have no regrets.

Funny that most of the amazing things about the recording and the weekend were the events leading up to them. Friday night was absolutely amazing. After so much preparation, the night went beautifully, and to God's glory. We even repeated the last song so the crowd could be more involved! The weekend was nuts; I probably got a total of 11 hours of sleep the whole weekend, and didn't realize I needed a sleeping bag, so slept on top of my fleece comforter. But getting to know the kids and youth leaders, and staying up late talking with the team, and performing onstage with Chloe, and turning around and seeing "HEARTSONG: Generation" on the screen behind me... I was living my dream, and I'll say it again: I have no regrets.

Well, save one. Sunday morning, when I finally found cell service, I realized I had forgotten to cancel a rehearsal with a clarinetist from the weekend, and he was pretty upset. Sunday night was pretty awful as I tried to sort that out, to ask for forgiveness and double-check my schedule to make sure I wouldn't do it again. But God's grace covers a multitude of sins, and He gave my friend a heart to forgive me. How blessed am I?? I cannot even fathom how many times God has forgiven me for stupid things I've done! All week I had done stupid things, but He gave me the weekend and fulfilled my dream anyway!! I am so blessed and too thankful for words.

And last weekend I shared the stage with Chloe, Jon, Chris, Jay, Katie (who travelled on this team the year after I met them), Will (from my team last year), and Isaac (from my team this year). We sang "O Happy Day" Generation-style, dancing around in the audience during the techno-dance break. We all did all the motions for Rise and Sing, complete with jumping during the instrumental breaks (or bouncing on the drum throne, in Chris' case) and waving our instruments back and forth during the chorus. And I remembered why I was on HeartSong. Live recordings have their place, but I was made for this: for going crazy in front of a bunch of junior highers and using HeartSong as a way to impact their lives, up close.

All week long my prayer had been from the song "Give Me Faith." I needed God to soften my heart so I could worship Him and see how He was shaping my life. He blessed me with an incredible Friday and an unforgettable weekend. He has blessed me with an amazing life, and with an eternal life that will come after. What more could I ever ask for??

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart
I need You to open my eyes to see that You're shaping my life
All I am I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give you my life